Parenting a teenager can be a whirlwind of emotions, from the excitement of watching them grow into their own person to the stress of navigating the ups and downs of adolescence. Recently, my son found himself in a situation at school where he got into some trouble, and while my first instinct as a parent was to feel frustrated, I was incredibly proud of how he handled it.
Only a week into January, our 8th-grade son comes home from school wearing a sheepish look on his face. I know this look. When he’s gotten in trouble at school and knows he better fess up before his teacher gets to me first.
“So did you hear what happened today, Mom?” He says, nervously laughing as if to convey that it’s not serious.
“Well it wasn’t really a big deal, but I got in trouble with my friends during lunch and had to go talk with the principal.” He confesses.
As a parent, my heart sank—I was immediately concerned and, honestly, a bit disappointed. But as the conversation continued, I was taken aback by how my son had responded to the situation.
Long story short, he did something inappropriate at school that involved another friend. He got caught by the principal; and consequently was sent to the office. He claims it’s how he and his friends joke around with each other, and no offense was meant by it.
As he’s making his confession, his dad walks in the front door.
“Hey babe, so apparently Noah got in trouble at school today.” I say.
“Yep, I already knew that because I actually got a call from the principal.” He replies.
I need to note here that I am giving MAJOR PROPS to the principal who called Dad before Mom, breaking that common trend of Mom always being the default parent. But I'll save that soapbox for another blog post.
My husband continues. “The principal called and said our son was involved in a situation at school. She said it seemed like it was just a joke with his friends, but it was completely inappropriate while at school. She said he had to discuss what happened in detail and then write a reflection about what he learned from it.”
I begin to feel my face stiffen and I’m ready to unleash some words onto my son. Then Ty continues.
“But, she mostly talked about how impressed she was at how (our son) handled the situation while in the office. There was no deflection, no blame-shifting and no excuses. He simply acknowledged what had happened, explained the situation, and took full responsibility for his actions." I can feel my disappointment melt away as the story continues.
He goes on to relay the conversation between him and the principal, and I tell you, I felt like I was getting to see the fruits of my labor as a mom!
What stood out, was how my teenage son showed respect and maturity when speaking about it. Instead of reacting defensively, he listened to the adults involved and showed real grace. understanding the impact of his actions not just on himself, but on those around him.
Well, I just about cried right then and there. My face instantly softened, my eyes glistened with pride, and I held my arms out to hug my boy.
Yes, he acted inappropriately. Yes, he got in trouble. But amid all this mishap, he did the right thing! When his parents were not there to remind him what it means to have good character, he still did the right thing.
I’ve always tried to instill values of responsibility, honesty, and respect in him, and seeing these traits come to life in that moment was both humbling and rewarding.
Research suggests that parental influence in a child wanes by age 12, and as a newly minted Mom of a Teenager, I can attest that feels true. The majority of my hands-on parenting is over now and I can see my son doing what teens do best--spend less time with his parents and more time with his friends.
There are many days when he hops on his bike to ride himself to school, and I won't see him again at home until it's nearly dark since he's either at a sports practice or hanging out with his friends somewhere in town.
Now, I personally love that my kids get to experience this level of independence, as I believe strongly that it is helping them be more prepared to navigate their way through life. But it truly does feel like my baby bear is venturing off into the woods and I can no longer protect him from the threats I know are out there!
I just pray each morning that he makes good choices and stays safe. That's really all I can do! It's hard to admit, but once your children hit those teenage years, you realize how little control you have over them and the fate of their lives. I only hope the first decade of his life was filled with enough lessons and love, and that he will remember it all when it really mattered!
Now, I'm not hear to say that my son always handles every situation he's in with such grace and ease. Nope, and I'd be lying if I did! However, while writing this, I thought about whether or not anything Ty or I did while he was younger may have played a part in him knowing how to act when he got into trouble outside of our home.
I've come up with two things I think may have helped our teenage son learn the importance of taking responsibility for his own behavior.
We modeled it!
We've had countless arguments with our son, and we were always the first to admit when we made a mistake. This kid knows exactly how to push our buttons and you'd better bet we've lost our temper in the heat of parenting him.
As a parent, it's tempting to be unapologetic and not admit when we are in the wrong, but when we can put our ego aside and take responsibility for our negative behaviors, we are teaching our kids how to do the same; and that is a valuable life skill.
We pointed out when he wasn't taking responsibility for his actions.
When he got into a fight with his sister, he'd began yelling and screaming that she started it, and that if she hadn't made him so mad he wouldn't have pushed her so hard.
The way he handled himself showed me that even in challenging situations, he can stand up for himself and his mistakes with integrity.
I was especially proud of the way he remained calm and composed. There were no outbursts or signs of disrespect, even though I know it must have been uncomfortable for him to be in that situation. He showed empathy towards the adults involved and accepted the consequences without arguing, which is not always an easy thing to do when you’re a teenager facing a tough situation.
As a parent, there are times when we feel like we are working hard to teach our kids the right lessons, but there’s something truly rewarding when those lessons start to take root on their own. While the situation at school was less than ideal, the way my son handled it demonstrated that he is maturing into someone with strong character.
This is the same boy who I used to brace myself for any family gatherings or play dates because I knew it would end in either me apologizing for my son's impulsiveness or me breaking up arguments between him and his peers because he would escalate so quickly.
I know that mistakes are a natural part of growing up, and no one is perfect. But I also know that how we respond to those mistakes is what truly matters. My son’s ability to take responsibility, be respectful to others, and maintain his composure in a tough situation made me incredibly proud.
This experience reminded me that as parents, our job is not just to correct our kids when they mess up, but also to celebrate when they rise above the challenges and handle adversity with grace. It was a moment of growth for both of us, and I couldn’t be more proud of the young man he’s becoming. I could have gotten mad at his inappropriate behavior at school, but I chose to focus on the heart of the matter, which was how he handled the challenge he was in.
In the end, this wasn’t just about the trouble at school—it was about the opportunity to learn and grow from it.
Though it is nerve-wracking to be a parent of a teenager, I know that each tricky situation they find themselves in is preparation for adulthood, which is just around the corner.
The more practice he gets making mistakes while still in the safety net of caring teachers, school staff, and other parents, the stronger his foundation will be to face life's challenges.
He won't always respond with integrity and respect, I know this because even I am still learning that great skill and I'm a grown woman!
When he does respond to his mistakes like the man I hope he is becoming, I will be sure he knows how proud I am of him.
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